


Spectrum

by EquinoxSolstice



Series: Best of Both Worlds [3]
Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Eren has distinct male and female genders, Established Levi/Eren Yaeger, Fluff, Genderfluid Character, Genderfluid Eren, Genderqueer Characters, Levi finds out, Non-Explicit Sex, Other, Poetry, Professor!Levi, Romance, pansexual levi, poet!Levi
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-07-02
Updated: 2015-07-02
Packaged: 2018-04-07 05:43:55
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,455
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4251591
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/EquinoxSolstice/pseuds/EquinoxSolstice
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The moment Levi finds out is on a regular Saturday morning when Levi doesn't knock on the door loud enough and finds Eren sitting by the kitchen counter, a bottle of nail polish open and the brush just resting on Eren's middle finger, the first two already a bright, teal green.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Spectrum

**Author's Note:**

> Okay, so this is a little thing I made because it's 3AM in the freaking morning, I can't sleep, and my brain won't stop working. So apologies if it's not as good as the others. I made this in about... 5 hours? Not too sure, but it's definitely 
> 
> Also, I just realized that in all the works in this series, Eren's male side hasn't made any prominence. So next parts will focus on Levi and identifying-as-male!Eren to even things out. 
> 
> There's a reference to a poem here, see if you can find it, it's one of my favorite lines ever. Also, I'm clarifying Levi's job: he's a literature professor. Who also makes his own portfolio of works. Just because.

The moment Levi finds out is on a regular Saturday morning when Levi doesn't knock on the door loud enough and finds Eren sitting by the kitchen counter, a bottle of nail polish open and the brush just resting on Eren's middle finger, the first two already a bright, teal green.

They stare at each other, Levi wide-eyed and surprised, Eren red-cheeked and completely mortified as the bottle of nail polish is knocked down when Eren hastily stands up, staining the granite counter with its bright color. She was half-done, long brown hair already curling around her shoulders, but she's still not yet dressed, still in a button-up shirt and slacks from the job interview hours before.

For her part, Eren is completely terrified. Levi isn't supposed to find out, not this early, at least. She meets Levi when she's a he and Levi's the most perfect person she has ever met in her life. Eren can admit to having a crush on him when she's still in college, always looking at him from afar, even if he never became her professor in the four years she stays in Shinganshina University. Eren's still in her closeted stage back then, still going around as a he when there are some days all she wants to do is to scream and put on a dress and heels and make-up because baggy jeans and t-shirts don't suit her at all. Other days it isn't so bad, especially when he feels completely comfortable in his clothes, but other days it gets so bad that she skips classes, curls up in her bed and cries the day away.

Eren's eyes were already filled to the brim with unshed tears because this was it, Levi's going to break up with her because she's a freak, she's unnatural, and she can't make up her damn mind if she's a girl or a guy, because she's always been both and Levi cannot and will never accept that.

She knows she looks terrible right now, cheeks pale and just a breath away from breaking down and Levi can see that, can now really see who she is, the secret she's been hiding ever since she's four and finding out that she wants to wear the dress to school instead of the polo and shorts she's required to wear.

"I'll buy you a new one," Levi suddenly says instead, gesturing to the mess splattered on the counter, and Eren's so relieved that she really does cry, and pathetically at that. 

But the arms that are immediately around her are comforting and safe and _accepting,_ and that's all that matters to her.

* * *

Levi does have questions though, later on when they finally settle down in the couch in the living room. Eren's washed her face, puts on her make up more heavily than usual because her eyes are puffy, wearing a skirt that reaches mid-thigh and a t-shirt. Levi's staring, she can feel the heaviness of his gaze on her, and she can't bear to meet his eyes as she sits beside him, adjusting her skirt so it pleats around her legs properly.

She desperately hopes that he isn't staring at her in complete and utter disgust.

"Eren." Levi shifts his body, facing her, and she fidgets, staring at her half-manicured fingers. She doesn't think she can explain, if it _can_ be explained in the first place. Blessedly her parents are open-minded people, her father a doctor who helps her know more of what was going on, to help understand what she's feeling and how she can cope more healthily. Her mother just simply continues to adore her, saying that now, she has both a son and a daughter, and she can't be happier.

"Talk to me." His eyes are impossibly gentle, curious but patient, and her breath's stolen away.

"I..." She starts, clears her throat. Speaks again, voice higher and more feminine, "This is... me. Ever since I was little, there are times that I'd feel.... wrong. That I don't fit in my own skin. And dressing like this," she gestured to herself, "would make everything feel right again. I know it's weird." She shrugs, the gesture more casual than what she actually feels. That's how she explains it to her parents, at least. "Sometimes it's hours, sometimes it's days, even months. There's really no specific time, really."

"But when I met you, you were..." Levi starts.

"A guy. I _am_ a guy." She says firmly. "But I'm also a girl." She takes a deep breath.

"I'm both, Levi." 

That's the complete truth of who Eren is. Perpetually stuck in the middle of two binaries, shifting to where the flow is at any given time. It's completely liberating, other times, extremely frustrating. Sometimes Eren feels like she's broken, that somewhere along the way something happened to her but she knows that she can never be 'normal' again. 

"Sometimes, I wake up and I feel like I'm a girl. Other times I feel like a guy. There's no reason why and how it happens, and I can't control it either. It just is. It just happens."  

Levi purses his lips, clearly filing all the information in his mind for future thought. Even if Levi's pretty much accepting of the situation, this will affect their relationship permanently. Levi didn't sign up for a person who doesn't know what they feel like dressing up as half the damn time. Sometimes Eren feels like it will be better if she's actually gay, but then again, right now, she's talking to a man who might become her ex-boyfriend simply because Eren can't help but feel bad every time Levi will refer to her as his 'boyfriend', even if it's true at other times.

"So now, how do I call you?" Levi asks, and Eren lifts her head up and looks at him so quickly her head spun a little.

"W-What?" She stutters.  

"I mean," Levi's brows are furrowed in confusion. "Your name's Eren when you're a guy, right? But right now, what's your name?" 

"Oh! No, no, it's still Eren." She tucks a stray lock behind her ear. "Levi, it's just me. I may be a girl right now, but... I'm still _me_."

Silence. Levi still looking at her, storm-blue eyes full with an emotion she doesn't know how to name, and her heart aches because she knows she's going to lose this man--beautiful, wonderful, perfect man--forever and it's her fault. 

But she can't be with someone who can't accept her for who she--he--is. 

Finally, Levi sighs and smiles wanly at her. "You keep surprising me, Eren." 

After a moment of shock, Eren narrows her eyes at him. "You're still freaking out, Levi." 

"I am." Levi concedes. "Because you're fucking gorgeous and I'm thinking on how I'm gonna kick some asses because they won't be able to take their eyes off you."

Eren would've choked on what she's drinking if she has a drink right now. "What? Levi, this is--"

"Serious, I know." Levi reaches forward and holds her hand, making her look at him. 

"You're not gonna chase me away with this." Levi says, as quiet and as serious as they come and Eren has to struggle to breathe because Levi has the same expression when they have sex and it was seriously hot. "Hell, you can be a serial killer chopping up a body right now and I'll ask how I can help you hide the body."

From Levi, it's the sweetest declaration of love Eren has heard in her entire life, but she's not entirely convinced. Maybe Levi's letting her down easy. "Those are entirely two different things, Levi. For one, killing other people's illegal."

"Then I'll make it plain and simple. Eren, I don't give a flying fuck." Levi's other hand reaches out and touches her face, brushing away the brown curls to caress her cheek. Heat flared under her skin, at once self-conscious "Guy or girl, it doesn't matter to me. You're right Eren, you're _you_. And being who you are, not what you're dressed up as, is what makes me look at you." His eyes are warm, calm and completely devoid of hesitation or doubt.

"It's their fucking loss and I'm the luckiest son-of-a-bitch, because I have both a gorgeous girl and guy at my side."

Eren can hardly believe it. "You're not breaking up with me?" She asks, voice small and almost breaking, pleading. She clutches Levi's hand like a lifeline, because this is the last thing she expects, the last words she's bracing to hear from Levi's mouth. 

"Who the hell said anything about breaking up?" Levi demands. "Eren, I'm not giving you up. So for fuck's sake, don't give up on this, on _us_ , just because of what I just found out about you." 

"But I don't want to be a burden!" Eren cries. "I don't want people to hate you because of me! I'm not normal Levi, I'm broken! Something's wrong with me and I can't fix it!" Levi's a teacher, a professor even, who's in a relationship with someone almost a decade younger than he is. He's a respected figure in the faculty, a lot of people admire and respect him and Eren can't-- _won't_ \--be the reason why Levi has to choose between her and something else, if the truth were to come out.

Because she knew, if it came down to it, that Levi will always pick her, and that's something she can't allow. 

"Bullshit." Levi says, voice firm as he tugs on her hand to make her look at him. "You're not broken. You're... fuck, Eren, don't you know how _beautiful_ you look right now?" Levi sounds desperate, breathless, staring at her like... like...

_"I spent most nights at home falling in love with the idea of you."_ He whispers, a line from one of his compositions that never fails to make her heart race and pulse flutter, because there's always something about being the muse of Levi's poetry that makes her fall into him a little bit more. 

Eren gasped. Levi will _not_. He _is not._

_"Only to realize that I didn't have to, because I'm already in love with you."_   Levi continued without a trace of shame, though slightly pink-cheeked, making Eren want to crawl under something, because it's beyond embarrassing to be wooed by cheesy, romantic lines from poetry and actually _falling for it_.  

"Levi..." Her lips are quivering, both fear and in tentative hope.

_"My love is depthless and dark, forever timeless, waves breaking onto the shore."_   That line's from one of Eren's favorite poems that Levi writes, one that she reads everyday because she never thinks, in a million years, that Levi will say it to her face. She has all of his publications, buys it from the college bookstore back then, in an attempt to overcome a slightly pathetic crush that Eren didn't think will be reciprocated.  

_ "So just as the land faithfully meets the sea, you will also come back to me."  _

Eren shrieks, gives up and buries her head in Levi's neck because she can't take it, not when Levi's saying all of those things, those cheesy, stupid, _utterly romantic_ lines that makes her head spin and heart tumble in her chest.  

"Oh god, Levi, please, stop, I can't--" She can't take it. Another word from Levi and she's going to kiss the hell out of him, maybe punch him first, and kiss him after, because what girl doesn't like their boyfriend reciting poetry to them? She's ruined. Totally, utterly ruined because Levi is an charming _asshole_ who knows how to get into her skin and breaks down any walls she tries to put up between them.   


Even better because said boyfriend's the one who actually wrote them. 

Levi's quirking a smile against her hair, holding her close while she hyperventilates against his chest. "I am never doing that again." He mumbles into her scalp, voice reflecting his own embarrassment. 

"Please don't." She pleads, because Levi has never looked more handsome than he did reciting poetry and if he did that in public Eren will need long, sharp nails to tear a bitch off her man.

Because that's what Levi is, she realizes eventually. Her man.

"You're really okay with this?" She murmurs into his skin and felt arms tighten around her in response.

Levi's expression was completely straight as he replied, "You have no idea how much I've fantasized you in a skirt."

"Levi!" He chuckles and Eren's indignant because she isn't  a cross-dressing guy, she's a _girl_ and then Levi's tilting his head up and kissing her, long and lingering and seducing until Eren's all but trembling in his arms, body melting on the couch. Before she knew it her arms are around Levi's neck and he was on top of her, leg-covered jeans sliding between her bare thighs and she shivers, skirt hiked up her waist.   

Eren's breaths are ragged as Levi mouths down her neck, chest tightening in slight anxiety because they've never done this, not as her. But she wants this, the possessive way Levi's hands slide on her skin, the obsessive way his fingers tease between her legs, making her moan. But there's a softness in his touch, a reverence and carefulness that Eren never experiences as a he, like she's more fragile, more breakable, and honestly, it feels like she is.

All the same, she feels treasured and protected, that Levi will never break her and even if he does he'll pick up the pieces and make her whole again. 

"I'm your girl now too, Levi." She whispers after they've caught their breath, after the universe has imploded and Levi's made constellations of marks on her flesh. 

Levi hums in thought, his breaths warm on her ear. "I think...  I 'll just call you mine." He says. 

Eren smiles and leans into him completely, because it's always a work in progress, that Levi will mix up the pronouns, that Levi will slip and refer to her wrongly, that Eren will be hurt and frustrated and toss him out of the apartment several times because he doesn't understand why she's so upset about it. But Levi will try, continuously asks for her forgiveness and help and Eren will give it to him, again and again until finally, the pieces slot themselves completely, and Levi understands perfectly.  

But right then, right there, it feels right. 

_Mine._  

"I think I can accept that." 

(He does buy her nail polish later on, an entire set in fact, and her frosted blue nails winked merrily against Levi's own bare ones as they walk through the crowded streets of Shinganshina, fingers laced together.) 


End file.
